I lay on the dog bed as I contemplated my new
circumstances. The room was cool and dry
but the air was deathly still. The light
faded slightly as the sun moved away from the small window high on the wall
behind me. I ignored my thirst and
hunger. I wanted to savor the
moment. Although I was naked but for my
collar and shackles I felt no shame, as I knew no one would or could see my
bare flesh. I was utterly alone.
After some time and as the darkness gathered, I decided I
should use the bucket to relieve myself whilst I could still see it. My eyes were adapting to the darkness as
quickly as the light faded, but it looked like the room had no provision for
light other than the window. I moved my
arm slightly to see how heavy the chains were that bound my arms and legs
behind me. The weight of them seemed
enormous. I stretched a little - there
was enough slack that I could move my legs but I could not extend them much
before I felt the collar pinch my throat.
I looked at the bucket. I had to
hurry before I lost all daylight.
I shifted my weight to the edge of the dog bed and swung my
feet to the floor. The cement was cool
and rough but not unpleasant. As I
struggled to prop myself on one elbow, I realized that each movement pulled
each shackle and the collar, bruising my wrists and ankles. I grabbed the chain with my hands to lift the
weight of it so I could lean into a squat, but I lost my balance and tumbled
painfully back onto the dog bed.
After a few more unsuccessful and painful attempts, I managed
to balance on the balls of my feet. The
bucket was no more than a few feet away but it seemed like it was across the
room. I shuffled carefully toward it, well aware that if I fell over, getting
back up without the benefit of the dog bed would be arduous and painful. After several small steps I positioned myself
over the bucket and relieved myself. The
relief I felt was quickly replaced with the most profound sense of helplessness
I could ever imagine. Tears ran down my
cheeks and plopped on the cement in the waning light. I looked at the dog bed and began to shuffle
back to it before the dusk settled into darkness.
The night settled on me as the room went to black. My thoughts turned to my children. I had banished them from my consciousness as
the prospect of my enslavement unfolded in the past few days, but now they
returned, unbidden and achingly unwelcome.
I missed them terribly.
The pain I had suppressed for so long now overwhelmed and consumed me. I tried to construct a scenario which would
reunite me with them, even for a day or two, but it was hopeless. I had agreed to give up my life as a free
woman, and with that I had surrendered all possibilities of ever seeing my
children again. My desolation was
complete and a great sob welled up in me.
The life I had chosen did not include them. I deserved to be devastated.
